TftD: Hey! Just like that show with the vampires! (#1919-1953)

#1919

Eh, continuity schmontinuity!

Date: 01/25/2002
From: PharaohMobius

It's like you expect all this to make sense or something!
Oh well, that'll teach me to post a reply without re-reading the posts before it, I guess... *guilt*

Anyway, back to our RPG...

[Lita] Hmmmph! Some friends I got! They'd better not-- [She turns the corner at the bottom of the stairs, and almost runs into a weird bird-headed demon guy. He's familiar to all of our regular readers, but Lita's never seen him before...]

[Bird-Headed Demon Guy] Sorry I'm late.

[Lita] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!! DEMON!!!!

[Bird-Headed Demon Guy] Whoah, whoah, settle down, little lady. I'm one of the good guys. I work for The Powers That Be.

[Lita] AAAAAAA-- Wait a minute. The bird head's new, but your funky black armor and piercings are familiar... are you affiliated with Vampire-Based Programming?

[Bird-Headed Demon Guy] After a fashion, yeah. I'm Skip. You must be Lita?

[Lita] That's me. Let me guess, you're here to offer me fame and fortune if I agree to change a decision I made in my past?

[Skip] Errm, yeah. How did you--?

[Lita] Vampire-Based Programming, remember? I'm a huge fan.

[Skip] Oh yeah, right. Anyway, I'll cut to the chase: The Powers That Be never intended the Bitch Crown to be passed on to a mere human.

[Lita] You mean they were all part demon or something?

[Skip] Something like that. That's why manosgirl will never really get the crown; she's fully human, so it won't work.

[Lita] Why can't humans be Queen Bitch? Does it build up some kind of energy and slowly kill them?

[Skip] No, I think it's just that The Powers don't want to see humans get that bitchy. You humans have kind of a herd mentality; when one person does something, soon every one of you want to do it. At the rate you guys multiply, soon the whole multiverse would be full of bitchy humans. Not a pretty picture.

[Lita] I think you're full of crap.

[Skip] Damn, you're pretty good at this bitch thing, aren't you? Anyway, I can make you a star, if you agree to go back in time and not make the post that won you your Bitch Crown in the first place.

[Lita] A star? What kind of star?

[Skip] Oh, you know, TV, Movies, Music, the works.

[Lita gets excited.] Would I get to meet Bono?

[Skip] Sure, why not?

[Lita] I'LL DO IT!!!!!!!!1!1!!!11!

[The opening strains of "Mysterious Ways" by U2 can be heard as Lita runs out of a large, beautiful house in Northern California and leaps into mid-air. The shot freezes there, and "Lita!" appears superimposed on the shot in a scripty, flowery font. Various shots of Lita frollicking in the rain, playing with pug puppies, and good-naturedly horsing around with young, attractive TV people follow. She starts to throw her beret in the air, and accidentally knocks one of the guys over. She favors him with an "Oops! I'm sorry!" look and laughs charmingly. The opening theme ends, and the scene opens in an attractive, TV sitcom-style appartment. Lita is sitting on the couch, reading a magazine. The guy she accidentally knocked over in the opening credits walks in.]

[Guy] Hey Lita! You should come and meet our new neighbor!

[Lita] Not now, Evil Mike! [Note: he does NOT look like our Evil Mike!!!] I'm learning "20 ways to spice up your love life"!

["Evil Mike"] Are you sure that's a good idea? Last time you tried that, it took forever to get the tabsco stains out of the sheets!

[Canned sitcom laughter, interspersed with "Whoooo!"s.]

[Lita] Oh, you're a caution!

["Evil Mike"] Seriously, I think you'll want to meet this guy...

[Bono walks in.] Hello, Lita is it?

[Lita] EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!11!

[Bono] ...

[Lita] Buha... Bobobobo... Baa baa baaa...

[More canned sitcom laughter.]

[Bono, to "Evil Mike"] Is she always this articulate?

["Evil Mike"] No, you caught her on a good day.

[Yet more canned sitcom laughter.]

The mad Pharaoh Mobius
I've been wanting to do that VBP subplot, too. =)
Sarcophagus!

#1920

<About 25 minutes later...>

Date: 01/26/2002
From: Carmelita9000

............................................................

<Lita and "Evil Mike" are lying in bed, discussing all their recent wacky adventures.>

"EM": Boy, it sure was a busy day, wasn't it?

Lita: It sure was, <Lita gestures toward the gorgeously well-groomed black poodle sleeping at the foot of the bed> I don't think Megan will do what you say again!

<good natured laughter from the laugh track>

"EM": She never did anything I said before!

<more good natured laughter from the laugh track>

Lita: But there was a moral in all of this. I learned that celebrities are just regular people, who happen to be famous. They put their pants on one leg at a time like all the rest of us do.

"EM": <Like this is a completely new concept to him> One leg at a time!?

<more laughter>

Lita: Oh, Evil Mike! You're so silly! Did you learn anything?

"EM": Yes, I did! I learned that just because somebody's from another country, doesn't mean they're not people. They deserve to be treated with respect, like everybody else does. Even the Irish!

<Bono sticks his head up out from under the sheets between Lita and "Evil Mike", surprising them both. The canned audience roars with laughter and applause.>

Bono: I learned never to let Lita organize your act for a talent show!

<More canned laughter as Lita puts her hands on her hips in mock anger and gives Bono a disapproving smile that says, "That wasn't a nice thing to say, but I love you anyway.">

Bono: I sure wish we'd won that trophy, though. It would have looked nice on my trophy shelf…

Lita: <gets her trademark mischievous sparkle in her eye> Hey, we can still get you that trophy! I have a zany idea that just might work!

Bono and "Evil Mike": Oh, no you don't!

<The scene freezes on a shot of Bono and "Evil Mike" just on the verge of hitting Lita with their pillows. Oh, for fun! The credits roll over that shot.>

***

<A few minutes later, Lita is walking off the set. She is followed closely by her two assistants. One happens to be Carmelita42. She is carrying a day planner, and a pencil. Her hair is up in a tight bun, and she's wearing horn-rimmed glasses (purely for aesthetic purposes, there is no glass in the frames). The other is a slim-hipped young man we haven't seen before named Randal. He hands Lita a Diet Coke with a cherry in it. (Lita never drinks alcohol, it's bad for you! Just say no, kids!)>

Randal: Wonderful show, Miss. 9000! You were excellent as usual.

Lita: Thank you, Randal. Do I have any appoinments later, 42?

<42 hands Lita a marker so that she can sign autographs for a group of excited fans who just came from a tour of the studio. Lita hands her soda back to Randal so she can write.>

42: Well, you're on Leno tonight to promote your charity.

Lita: Yes, it's a good charity. Any organization that strives to see that every orphan will have a puppy of his or her own is an organization I want to back.

<One of Lita's fans hands her a CD to sign. Hey! It's Tork! Lita doesn't recognize him. The album he handed her is called "Lita!" It's a tribute album by U2. Each of the 12 original U2 songs on it are about Lita and her many virtues. Lita is pictured on the cover, holding a rose and staring off into the distance, a wistful look in her eyes.>

Tork: I can't believe I'm meeting you! I'm your biggest fan!!!

Lita: Thanks! What's your name?

Tork: Tork!

Lita: <writes a short message on the CD and hands it back to him> Ok, here you go.

Tork: Golly! Thanks!

<Tork reads what Lita wrote:
Dear Tor,
You are so sweet.
Thanks for your support!
Lots of luck!
~Lita>

Tork: Oh, wow! This is so cool!

<Lita heads back to her dressing room followed closely, as always, by her two assistants.>

Randal: So, how are you feeling, Miss 9000? Do you need anything? Should we have a salad sent in?

<42 picks up her phone and gets ready to dial, just in case>

Lita: <suddenly kind of sad> I don't know... I feel like I should be the happiest girl in the world, I mean, I've got everything anybody would want… but… something just doesn't feel right. Something's missing… Do you guys think anybody would ever call me… oh, I don't know… <inspiration strikes> a bitch?

42 & Randal (who know what they're paid for): No! There's no way! You're so nice! Nobody would ever think to call you such a horrible name!

Lita: <Looks at her feet. She almost sounds dissapoined, but that would be just silly.> That's what I thought.

<Randal knows that some comforting is in order. He gives Lita a reassuring pat on the shoulder.>

Randal: There there. It's just hormones, I'm sure! You'll be right as rain in a couple of days, Carm.

Lita: Carm? Listen here! The way I feel has nothing to do with hormones! And don't you *ever* call me Carm, you prancing little bastard!

<42 and Randal both gasp with surprise. Randal is so shocked that he gives a little yell and drops Lita's Diet Coke on the floor. Lita herself is surprised by what she just said, and claps a hand over her mouth.>

Lita: Mmph Mmmph… <Lita removes her hand from her mouth> Did I just say that? Randal, I am so sorry! I've never called anybody a b-- a baa-- …that name before!

Randal: <Taking a towel from 42 and cleaning up the soda from the floor.> It was my fault, Miss. 9000! I shouldn't have said what I did.

Lita: I don't know… I just have the strangest feeling something's wrong with me!

Lita
America's Sweetheart
President of the I Love Batman Club
Vice Prez of the I Love Nachos Club
Vice Prez of the Yay for Harry Potter Club
Promoter of the Puppies for Orphans Charity
feels bad because this is probably really confusing
to all the non-VBP fans out there.

The really sad thing is, I would probably buy that crappy "Lita!" album.

#1921

Meanwhile in Bizarro Lita World...

Date: 01/26/2002
From: A_Judas_Rimmer

.........................................

<Rimmer is a 2nd grade teacher>
Rimmer: Now children, how many times must I tell you, it's poinT. Not poin. You can't poin at someone. Soup is a meal but not an addiction. Chairs are not for worshipping in silly ways. Pharaoh's carry guns and are alive and well in our century. Now please hand in your writing assignments about spiders. <quickly reads one over> Johnny, giant spider cars do not exist ESPECIALLY ones that eat through their rear ends. Please re-write this.

<Ya see, Rimmi never met Lita in the Wacky Race so these ideas don't exist for Rimmi. Likewise, Lita's life is a huge wreck because without Rimmi and her ass, Lita will never know happiness. She will only have pseudo-happiness unless she's able to find Rimmi>

#1922

<Lita's thinking hard.>

Date: 01/28/2002
From: Carmelita9000

It hurts!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

<She just can't shake the feeling that there's somewhere she should go.>

Lita: 42, I think I want to eat out tonight.

42: I'll make you a reservation for Chez Dégout.

Lita: No… I want to go somewhere else tonight. I want to go to… <she speaks as though the word is unfamiliar to her, because it is.> …MSTBlanca.

Randal: That dive!? You don't want to be caught dead in that rat-hole!

Lita: Yes I do! Er… except for the part where I'm dead.

42: I'll go get the car.

<A few minutes later, Lita walks into MSTBlanca. Her assistants stay behind because she told them to. Pharaoh Mobius recognizes Lita as a major celebrity and immediately goes into annoying suck-up mode.>

PM: Carmelita9000! Oh, wow! I can't believe it's you! Can I call you Lita?

Lita: Fine with me. I want a table.

PM: Right away, right away, Miss. 9000! <He leads Lita over to a really nice corner booth> This is our best table. I'm sure you'll find it suitable.

Lita: <poins at a different table> I want to sit over there.

PM: I understand! That's a very nice table! But somebody is already seated there--

<Lita doesn't listen. She goes and sits at the other table, pushing grandmapa out of the way as she does so.>

PM: Quite right! Quite Right! I don't know how riff-raff like him got in here in the fist place! Nabut!

<Nabut comes by, grabs gramps by the arms, and drags him out of the bar. Lita is concentrating on the table. Suddenly, she overturns it and looks at the bottom.>

PM: I agree! That was a terrible table! You're quite right to knock it over! I'll have it made into firewood immediately-- what are you looking at?

<There is something written in dark black ink on the bottom of the table. It's Lita's handwriting. It reads, "L9K + EM 4ever!" There's a heart around it. Then, just below that, carved deeply into the wood, "P.S. Pharaoh Mobius is a big fat doodyhead!!!" And just below that, in Lita's writing again, "Oh, Evil Mike, you goose! Tee-hee!">

PM: <trying to disguise his annoyance at the doodyhead comment> My goodness! I wonder how that horrible graffiti got there!

Lita: Evil Mike and I must have put it there…

PM: It's wonderful! It's art! I'll have it framed and put on the wall!

Lita: …but… I've never been here before. And Evil Mike died years ago in that horrible accordion accident… <saddened by the memory, Lita wipes a tear from her eye> So we couldn't have written this. And yet… It seems familiar… Something weird is going on…

<Lita drifts off into her own thoughts. Pharaoh Mobius, thinking that Lita is done paying attention winks at Nabut, nods his head at Lita, and then puts a finger over one nostril and mimes that he's snorting something. He and Nabut chuckle at each other. When PM turns back to Lita he's none-to-thrilled to see that she's glaring at him frostily.>

Lita: I think I'll be leaving now.

PM: Miss. 9000, I deeply apologize for--

Lita: Aw, shut that big gaping hole in your head you call a mouth before I smack you one! *gasp*…did I just say that?

PM: Er… yes.

<Lita shakes her head confusedly, and starts to leave, on her way out she overhears something interesting…>

Mickey: <Looking all filthy, and begging on his knees to Rick.> Please, man! Just one bowl! Doesn't matter what! Even watered down chicken broth! You just gotta give me a taste, man!

Rick: No. You've hit your limit. Besides, you know your money's no good here. You got it out of your Monopoly game…

Mickey: Come on! You gotta help me! I just need a little to help me cope! I'll even take cream of mushroom! Please! wurwolf is such a bitch!!!

Lita: wurwolf? Did you say wurwolf?

Mickey: <Squinting at Lita.> Yeah… what's it to you?

Lita: I used to know her, back a long time ago. What's happening with her?

Mickey: I'll show you.

Lita
Queen Bitch
President of the I Hate Riddler Club
Vice Prez of the I Hate Hamburglar Club
Vice Prez of the Draco Malfoy Fan Club
Winner of the Coveted Forrester Cup

#1923

Can you believe I'm posting again?

Date: 01/28/2002
From: Carmelita9000

I can.......................................................

<Mickey leads Lita to a run down apartment. It's a real dump. All the furniture is broken. There's a bare mattress on the floor, and wurwolf is crouching on it, a tarnished and mangled hunk of metal on her head. She's growling curse words at another figure who is huddled on the other side of the room crying. It's manosgirl, but Lita doesn't recognize her.>

Lita: That cant' be wurwolf! She looks awful!

Mickey: She's Queen Bitch now. Some Bobo2000X guy showed up and crowned her. It was all right at first, but then she got really bitchy. manosgirl and I are the only friends she has left. We do whatever she says… It's better that way… <he whispers conspiratorially to Lita> We only hang out here because we're afraid to leave… She'd hunt us down and then she'd get *really* bitchy! Look! She broke all our furniture! <he poins to a pile of unidentifiable scraps in another corner> Look what she did to my chair… my most prized possession!

Lita: Where's Dumbschmoe?

Mickey: He left… she finally got too bitchy even for him. I think it was when she burned all his graphic novels--

wurwolf: They were comic books, you ASS!!!

Mickey: That was the final straw, I think.

Lita: I'm going to try to talk to her.

Mickey: Are you sure that's wise?

<Lita walks over to wurwolf an kneels by her.>

Lita: wurwolf? It's me, Lita. Do you remember me?

wurwulf: Sure. You're that annoying little ho with the ugly face and the stupid game and the big thumbs and the tiny brain!

Lita: Don't be such a bitch!

wurwolf: It's my job, Fatass!

Lita: My ass is not fat you… <Lita can't think of a good comeback, so she changes the subject by grabbing the Bitch Crown off wurwolf's head. As soon as she touches it, she remembers everything she'd forgotten.> Look what you did to my Bitch Crown, you Slob! It's all scuffed up and bent and stuff! I'm going to have to polish it practically forever to get it all shiny again!

<wurwolf isn't paying attention. Neither is Mickey or manosgirl. It's like Lita's invisible or something. Lita puts the Bitch Crown onto her own head, and turns away, finding herself face to face with Skip.>

Skip: We had a deal.

Lita: I don't care. I want things to go back to the way they were. I don't like this. It's not real!

Skip: Oh, like the other plot-line was grounded in facts.

Lita: I don't care! I have to be Queen Bitch. It's my destiny. It's the way things have to be.

Skip: But nobody likes you when you're Queen Bitch! Look at this video I took of your friends while they weren't looking!

<A television with a VCR appears out of nowhere. Skip turns it on. Lita's friends appear on the screen… but wait! Something's wrong! These aren't Lita's friends! They're crudely constructed hand puppets! And Skip is obviously doing all the voices! But he's not doing a very good job… Oh, Skip, I'm so dissapoined in you…>

PM Puppet: I don't like Lita at all.

gramps Puppet: I hate her.

Mickey Puppet: She sucks.

Tork Puppet: She sucks ASS! I wish she would just DIE!

Evil Mike Puppet: You guys think you have it bad? I have to date her! It's a nightmare!

Rimmer Puppet: <in a piercing falsetto> I'll take your mind off your misery, Evil Mike! I don't feel bad about having an affair with you and hurting Lita's feelings, because I hate her!

Evil Mike Puppet: I hate her too!

<The Evil Mike and Rimmer puppets start making out… and then they start-- Lita turns off the TV quickly.>

Lita: Skip, why are you showing me puppet porn?

Skip: I'm trying to show you what your bitchiness has caused!

Lita: It caused them to put on a bad puppet show? I don't get it.

Skip: Ok, I admit it. I couldn't get any good actual footage of them. But trust me, that's exactly what I would have gotten on tape if that's what they'd been doing.

Lita: Right. I want you to send be back to the other rp reality now. Bitch Crown and all.

Skip: But I'm not supposed to let a human stay Queen Bitch! People will start being all bitchy and I'll get in trouble!

Lita: Yeah, well, sometimes we have to endure hardships, you know?

Skip: Hey! I have an idea! Maybe you could keep your Bitch Crown if I made you part demon--

Lita: No!

Skip: But--

Lita: Screw you! You're not making me a demon! You know, this is exactly the kind of thing my youth pastor used to try to warn me about. I should have listened to him...

Skip: Aww… But you can't stay human…

Lita: I damn well can, and I damn well will!

Skip: Ok, let's compromise. You can keep your crown… but… can you just try to tone it down on the bitchiness? Just a little bit? You know?

Lita: <thinks for a moment> Well… I can't promise I'll try… but I promise I'll try to try.

Skip: Deal! All right, back to that whole other thing that was going on! So long, Lita, it was great working with you!

<The scene that was surrounding Lita fades away, and suddenly she's back in Queen Leene's chamber in the castle, still very much invisible, though this doesn't make much difference since she's the only one in the room.>

Lita: I guess I'm back to about the same time I left… so I guess I still have to wait for the others to save Lorraine or whatever... They'd better not still be in the kitchen downstairs, those lazy pigs!

<Lita runs to try to see what the others are up to, but she can't go through the door!>

Lita: Hmph! I guess I'm stuck haunting the room I disappeared in. That sucks.

<Lita sits down in a comfy chair and starts whistling a jaunty tune as she polishes her Bitch Crown. Several hours pass.>

Lita: Those jerks better hurry up! This is really boring!

Lita
Queen Bitch
President of the I Hate Riddler Club
Vice Prez of the I Hate Hamburglar Club
Vice Prez of the Draco Malfoy Fan Club
Winner of the Coveted Forrester Cup
Knows she went long,
But she got on a roll.

Ha ha, Tork!
h_wood isn't the only one who can steal stuff from The Simpsons! I stole at least one line in this reply!

#1924

We'll have to start calling you...

Date: 01/28/2002
From: A_Judas_Rimmer

Mistylita.

I got left out of your alternate reality? You're not going to save me from my 3rd grade Hell?

#1925

*sniff* That was cruel, Rimmi.

Date: 01/28/2002
From: Carmelita9000

............................................................

*pout* You deserve to stay in 3rd Grade Hell. Besides, you're back in real reality now... or the closest we ever come to it. And on top of *that* we had nothing to do with each other in the new reality. It's kind of like how you don't expect penguins to socialize much with tigers. But at least I got to be really depressed, from ass deficiency, apparently.

Lita

#1926

<Lita is fixing her Bitch Crown>

Date: 01/29/2002
From: Carmelita9000

............................................................

<Like she's been doing for like a million hours.>

*polish* *polish* *polish* *whistle* *whistle* *whistle* *unbend* *unbend* *unbend* *polish* *polish* *polish*

<And so on…>

Lita: Boy! I've almost got my crown all back the way it's supposed to look! This is really exciting!!!

<No it isn't. Let's go see what the others are doing.>

***

<Way downstairs in the castle kitchen/basement, everybody's finally finished eating, especially Mickey, who is passed out with an empty soup bowl on his head.>

PM: Boy, that was a good meal, wasn't it? What do you guys want to do next?

Rimmer: We were going to go rescue Leene so that we could get Lita back. Remember?

EM: No.

Rimmer: *Yes*

gramps: But we don't know where Leene is! She could be anywhere! It would take forever to find her!

Rimmer: Naw, we'll just go check out the cathedral.

Tork: Wow, Rimmi! I thought you said you'd never played this game before!

Rimmer: I haven't. But it's the only place we haven't been to yet. And it's really creepy. And I overheard one of the guards here saying that Leene was last seen at the cathedral.

gramps: Kind of makes you wonder why they were searching for her in the woods.

Rimmer: So it's settled! Let's go!

***

<It doesn't take long for the party to get to the cathedral. Except for Mickey. They couldn't wake him up, so they left him at the castle. They look around. It looks like an ordinary cathedral. There are four nuns there. Our party decides to question them and find out if they've seen anything.>

Nun 1: You might want to stick around for the organ recital. It's a real killer!

Nun 2: We want nothing but world peace… Or a piece of the world, tee, hee…

Nun 3: People wouldn't know what to do with themselves in a truly peaceful world! My what delicious, er… I mean, delightful looking humans!

Nun 4: Oh how I would love to crack open all your skulls and feast on the goo inside!

<The party regroups in front of the cathedral to discuss their findings.>

gramps: Well, that was a bust. There's nothing suspicious about any of this.

PM: Yeah, let's go. There's nothing here.

Rimmer: Wait! Look! There's a shiny thing on the floor over there! <She runs over to check it out> It's a pin! And look! There's a Royal crest on it! This must be Leene's pin!

<Without warning, all the nuns turn into big scary snakes and jump on Rimmi! It looks like all is lost, until Mickey hops in through a window and takes them all out with no trouble at all. How impressive!>

Mickey: It's unwise to ever let down your guard! *croak* Or something like that.

Rimmer: <glaring at the rest of the party> Thanks a whole lot for the help with the evil monsters, guys!

<The others kind of shuffle around awkwardly, look at their shoes, and mumble a few lame excuses.>

Rimmer: Mickey! You saved me! Thanks! But… I thought you were back at the castle passed out! What happened?

Mickey: *croak* I'm riding a major soup high! I feel like I could *ribbit* do anything! I have the strength of 20 frogs!!! *croak*

Rimmer: Wow! Guys, if there's any more danger around, I think we'd better find it fast before he comes down! Oh… too late…

<Mickey is now sitting on the floor clutching his tummy.>

Mickey: Wow… I think I may have eaten too much. *croak* I don't feel so good…

Lita
Queen Bitch
President of the I Hate Riddler Club
Vice Prez of the I Hate Hamburglar Club
Vice Prez of the Draco Malfoy Fan Club
Winner of the Coveted Forrester Cup
was gonna let somebody else write it
but nobody was writing!

#1927

Rimmer: We need to get this man

Date: 01/29/2002
From: MickeyTheGardener

some soup, STAT!!!!!!!!!!

Tork: Stat?

Rimmer (smiles): I've always wanted to say that.

Gramps: To the kitchen!

Rimmer: No, Mickey ate all the soup. Let's try that restaraunt over there!

Mickey: Oh good...a *ribbit* Longbow's. Man, there everywhere!

Rimmer: Great, let's go!

Mickey: I was being sarcastic. Down with franchises! *ribbit*

Rimmer: Oh...well you have no choice. We need to power you up. Evil Mike? Go check that cathedral. Now that we know something was up.

Evil Mike: Why me? Has it ever occured to you that I might want to eat something too?

Tork: When we left the kitchen, you said you were full.

Rimmer: Are you scared, Evil Mike.

Evil Mike: N-no.

Mickey: *ribbit* Fraidy cat.

Evil Mike: Am not!

Tork: You trying to take my title?

Rimmer: You can't be scared! You're evil and stuff!

Evil Mike: Hold me!

Rimmer: Awww...he wants to cuddle!

(everyone laughs)

Evil Mike: Stop...I mean, I'm Evil Mike and you all suck!

Rimmer: There, that's better. I know. Would you like some one to go with you?

Evil Mike: You? That would be great!

Rimmer: No. Gramps.

Evil Mike: Why? He's no fun.

Rimmer: Hey, he needs something to do besides blowing snot bubbles all day.

Gramps: No really, Rimmer. That's ok. You go.

Rimmer: Who's leading this mission?

Lita (out the window): Me, you no good....

Gramps: Fine. Come on, whippersnapper.

(the rest of the group heads to the restaraunt)

Waiter (like he's reading from a script badly): Hello, and welcome to Longbow's. What can I get you on this souper day?

Rimmer: This frog nee...

Waiter (interrupting: still sounding like he's reading): Our special today is a stew made with co....

Rimmer (hands by her sword): SOUP!

Waiter (High pitched voice) Okay! (normal voice) What kind?

Mickey: *ribbit* Souprise me!

(everybody groans)

Mickey: *ribbit* what?

Mickey T. Gardener
Bboard Nice Guy
Friend to All
Post Narc x2
Yup. All of that just to get Evil Mike and Gramps to search in the cathedral. If I'm ruining the game (and I'm sure I am), we'll be back with them. Just leave me alone with my soup!!!

#1928

[PM] Remind me again...

Date: 01/30/2002
From: PharaohMobius

<<<SNES Mode>>>

[PM]...why we're giving a known soupaholic who is currently overdosed on soup even *more* soup?

[Rimmi] Because he's funny when he's souped up?

[Tork] If you're that concerned, why did you let him get ahold of soup in the first place?

[PM] Actually, Rimmi's right; he *is* funny when he's on soup. Besides, he's always been one of my best soup customers, so it pays to make sure he stays hooked.

[Mickey pulls his face from the large turine of soup that he's noisily slurping from.] Hey! *ribbit* I heard that!

------------------------------------------------------------
[Meanwhile, in the Cathedral...]

[Evil Mike] Okay, we've searched this place from top to bottom and there's no queen here. Talk about a total bust!

[Gramps] No, there's more to this church doohicky than meets the eye. I cain't remember what the secret is, tho...

[Evil Mike] Ah, whatever. This place is giving me the wigs; let's get outta here!

[Gramps] What's the matter, sonny! You skeeeered or somethin'?

[Evil Mike] No way! The Man does NOT get scared!

[EM's robo-groupies pop out from behind the pews.] He's THE MAN! He's THE MAN!!!

[Evil Mike] You tell 'im, robo-chickies!

[Gramps, ignoring EM's posturing.] Gotta think... gotta think... but all I can think of is songs from Hello Dolly! Oh well, guess I'll play one and see if I can get it out of my system! [He goes to the Cathedral's pipe organ, and begins to play "Hello Dolly". Naturally, this causes a secret door to open up.]

[Evil Mike] Hell-O! Looks like the coot's good for somethin' besides filling his pants after all! Hey, geez! Let's check out this secret passage!

[Gramps] That's GRAMPS!

[Evil Mike] Whatever, Gimp. [He drags Gramps along with him through the secret door, which obligingly shuts itself behind them. The passage they're in is totally dark.]

[Gramps] Nice work, you conflabbed whippersnapper! It's darker than a skunk that fell into a tar pit *and* a coal bucket in here!

[Evil Mike lights his lighter.] Relax, old man. I've got it covered. Here, I'll light this torch and we can get this over with.

[EM lights the torch, which provides much better illumination for the passage he and Gramps are in. The increased light, in fact, reveals the horde of monsters that are surrounding them. Gramps sees them before EM does, as EM is trying to light another torch.]

[Gramps] Eeep! Eeeebeeebeebeebeeeep!

[Evil Mike] Yeah, I've seen your stupid Shemp impression already.

[Gramps tugs on EM's sleeve and poins at all the monsters.] Nyah-yah-yaaaaah!

[Evil Mike] And I've seen your Curly, too!

[Yakra, the monster who's obviously in charge of the monstrous horde, speaks.] Nice of you to join us, filthy humans.

[Evil Mike] Hey! That was a good one, but I didn't recognize it. Was that from one of the Planet of the Apes movies?

[Yakra] Seize them!!!

[Evil Mike looks up and sees all the monsters.] YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!

The mad Pharaoh Mobius
+8]=) Posture King
Vice President of the Mister T Fan Club
Sarcophagus!
Sarcophagus!

#1929

LOL, okay.....

Date: 01/30/2002
From: A_Judas_Rimmer

....................

How much longer before one of us has to take a job at Longbow's restaraunt then runs through the place like a maniac shouting, "The soup du jour is PEOPLE! It's made from PEOPLE!"

(I just ordered the Livin' Large expansion pack. Soon my Sims will be living in luxury- well greater luxury since I learned the money cheat. tee hee hee!)

#1930

Soup makes me stronger.

Date: 01/30/2002
From: MickeyTheGardener

It's the Popeye effect.

But I wouldn't doubt you're all playing a creul joke on me.

You're all so mean. Just leave mne alone!!!
MTG, etc.

#1931

<Just looking out the window.>

Date: 01/31/2002
From: Carmelita9000

............................................................

Lita: Hey! The hell??? Why are they going into Long… <yelling> Why are you guys going into Longbows??? Queen Lisa isn't in Longbows! She's in the cathedral! Have you guys played this game, like, *ever*???

<Lita sits back down in her chair and starts polishing her Bitch Crown some more--there's not much else to do.>

Lita: Oh well. I'm sure they just forgot what's supposed to happen next. Probably one of those nuns said something about eating and they thought it was a clue or something. PM or Tork or somebody will remember what they're supposed to do any minute now, and then they'll get back to saving me! Yay!

<Lita polishes her crown happily… wait a minute… she's on a different plane of existence and she can't touch any thing in our world! What's she using as polish for that crown?>

Lita: *ptooie!* *wipe* *wipe* *wipe* Tee-hee! Nobody will want to steal my Bitch Crown now!

<Sorry I asked.>

Lita: <swimming deep in the depths of denile.> I guess I can't blame them for messing up. I know they really do want to rescue me. They just don't know how. They don't have me around to help them know what to do! They need me to tell them what to do, and help them to know what's going on, and keep them motivated! Skip showed me. If I weren't around here being Queen Bitch and giving orders, they'd all be a bunch of losers living a poinless existence! Especially Rimmi! I'm so glad they have me. I'm the best thing that ever happened to them! And they're probably discussing the best way to help me out riiiight now…

***

<Meanwhile, at Longbows.>

Mickey: *croak* Soup is the best thing that ever happened to me! *ribbit* <He licks out the bottom of a soup kettle with his long froggy tongue.>

<The rest of the party (sans Evil Mike and gramps of course) is sprawled around the place. They've been drinking something other than soup. Turns out Mickey is the only one here who's sober, but he's still too preoccupied with soup to be level-headed.>

PM: *hic* Yyyeaaahh… juss keep on eating tha ssssssshoup therrre.... Toad… Keep mmme in bussssissneh… Nabubt! Brrring thissshhh toad mmmore ssssshhhoup!!!

Rimmer: *giggling* Nobutt's nnnot hhhhhyere, man!!!

Mickey: *ribbit* I'm a Frog! Not a Toad!

PM: Wwwhere in BLAZESSH is Nnabu wwwith that ssshsoup?

Tork: We'rrre nnnot at MSSSSSHHTBlannca, Phhhhhharahffho Mannnnboobs…

PM: <Being irrational as only a drunk can.> NABBOOTS!!! SSSSSHOUP!!! NNNOW!!!

***

<Yet another Meanwhile, in the secret back room at the end of a number of secret corridors of the cathedral.>

Yakra: You are our prisoners.

EM: What are you? Some kind of wildebeest?

Yakra: I'm a Yak, you stupid fool!

EM: Either way, you're damn ugly.

gramps: What are you going to do to us???

Yakra: I'm going to have my minions disguise themselves as you so they can fool your stupid friends!

EM: Jokes on you Yakguy, gramps doesn't have any friends!!!

Yakra: Shut up, both of you! We can't have you running around and ruining things, so we're going to have to lock you up somewhere.

gramps: Dungeons, eh?

Yakra: Actually, we're a bit short on space. We didn't have room for dungeons.

<He kicks open a small treasure chest that was sitting next to him. It's empty.>

Yakra: Inside. Now.

EM: In there? In that tiny box? I don't think we can fit.

gramps: Yeah, Evil Mike's been eating a lot of nachos lately…

Yakra: One way or another you two are both going to fit in that chest. You can either squeeze in now, or I can start cutting off limbs to make room.

EM & gramps: Start with him!

Yakra: Just get in the chest!

<With a resigned sigh, EM and gramps squeeze into the chest as tightly as they can, as Yakra and several of his minions sit on the lid to get it closed.>

Lita
Queen Bitch
President of the I Hate Riddler Club
Vice Prez of the I Hate Hamburglar Club
Vice Prez of the Draco Malfoy Fan Club
Winner of the Coveted Forrester Cup
always thought the Chancellor-in-the-Treasure-Chest thing
was a little weird

#1932

Mickey: *ribbit* What the hell?

Date: 01/31/2002
From: MickeyTheGardener

Waiter: I'm sorry. You have to leave.

Mickey: *ribbit* The sign says "All you can eat"!

Waiter: We don't mean it as a challenge.

Mickey: Fine. *ribbit*. Just..just give me the damn bill.

Waiter: I'll be right back, sir.

Customer at another table: Oh waiter? There's a fly in my soup (Mickey zaps his toungue across the restaraunt and takes the fly) Oh thanks.

Waiter: Here you go.

Mickey: WHAT??? *ribbit* All I had was the soup! $4.99! Which is pretty damn expensive, by the way.

Waiter: Well, you know, all your friends....

Mickey: Oh, right...

Tork: Thisssh frog here, thissh ish the frog (hugs Mickey).

Rimmer: You idjit. You could get wartsh.

Mickey (gets an idea): *Ribbit* The guy in the goofy hat will cover it.

PM: WHAT?! I don't have any money! You'll pay for thisssssssss, Mickey!

Waiter: Get this guy in the goofy hat some coffee. You need to be sober to wash dishes.

(The group, minus PM, leaves Longbow's)

************************************************************

Meanwhile...

Elvis (walks into the room, that unbeknownst to him, is the room Lita's staying in): I don't know man, I'm just not the same without my baby (sits down).

Lita: OW! Get off me, you fat...(Ha, ha...Lita's married to the fat Elvis!) Oh, that's right, he can't hurt me! *phew!*

Elvis: I just don't feel right. I.....o/' Welllll................

Lita: Oh, no...please don't.

Elvis: Since my baby left me...

Lita: Stop. Please stop.

Mickey T. Gardener
Bboard Nice Guy
Friend to All
Post Narc x2
Showed amazing restraint not to use that fly in the soup setup untill now.

#1933

[Manager] Sir? They're stacking up.

Date: 02/01/2002
From: PharaohMobius

<<<Washin' Dishes Mode>>>

[The restaurant manager comes over to where PM is standing (seemingly in a trance) in front of a sinkful of dishes.]

[Manager] You really need to get washing, sir. [Taps PM on the shoulder, and PM stiffly falls to the floor. A cursory inspection reveals that PM isn't breathing.] Aw man! [Calls into the next room.] Frankie, we got another one what died washing the dishes. Have Vito and Joey bring in the big stock pot...

[And on that note we mercifully change scenes to our intrepid group rapidly making its way toward the Cathedral. Surprisingly (not), PM is among them.]

[PM] It was time to get rescuing Leene anyway.

[Rimmi] And the fact that you'd have to wash dishes there for a week to pay our bar tab had nothing to do with making this decision?

[PM] Errm... of course not! Lita's life's at stake, after all.

[Mickey] Where *ribbit* did you get a *croak* clone of yourself, anyway?

[PM] I picked it up at the Millenial Fair early on. I thought *I* was going to be the one who needed ressurecting at the top of Mt. Doom. Hey, it ended up saving my bacon after all!

[Tork] Did you have to use those "heal" potions on us so soon? They totally killed my buzz!

[PM] We don't need any status ailments slowing us down. We're going to need to keep all our wits about us.

[Rimmi] Since when is drunkeness a status ailment?

[Tork] Since *we* entered the game, apparently.

[They continue on until they stand before the pipe organ at the front of the Cathedral. PM picks out a tune on it, and the secret door opens again.]

[Mickey] Oh, like *croak* THAT isn't cliched.

[PM] Hey, I didn't make this one up. It's in the original.

[The group fights their way through the Cathedral. The enemies here seem to be considerably easier than some of those they've faced in the past.]

[Mickey] Is it just me *ribbit*, or do these guys *croak* seem like... *wusses*? I mean, one *ribbit* hit and they fall down!

[Rimmi] And this is bad... why?

[PM] No, he's right. I remember having a much harder time getting through this part when I first played it.

[Tork] I've got it! We must be playing on "New Game +"! You know, where you get to use all of your advanced techniques from your previously completed game!

[PM] Oh, that's just great.

[Mickey] *ribbit* What?

[PM] We're cheating!

[Tork] It's not cheating! It's part of the game!

[PM] We're nothing but a bunch of lamers! "Ooh, look at me! I can kill Dragon Tank with one Luminaire!" BLAH!!!

[Rimmi] I *seriously* don't get you.

[Tork] Jeez! Talk about a purist!!!

The mad Pharaoh Mobius
+8]=) Posture King
VP of the Mr. T Fan Club
Thought that playing "New Game +" was fun...
for the first twenty minutes.
Sarcophagus!

#1934

{B_O_G flashes his pink undies}

Date: 02/01/2002
From: BAND_OF_GYPSYS

Peek!

#1935

PINK UNDIES!!!! My hero!

Date: 02/02/2002
From: A_Judas_Rimmer

<dumps cold pennies down PINK UNDIES' pink undies 'cause he doesn't know I like him unless I do that!>

#1936

Ah, pink un...I mean BOG....

Date: 02/02/2002
From: MickeyTheGardener

my old arch nemesis.........

How the heck are you?

MTG, etc.

#1937

I'm doing well.....

Date: 02/03/2002
From: BAND_OF_GYPSYS

...though my butt is suddenly cold! I parked my Laserblast van outside & I brought Steffi & Bobo with me. Hey look, Bobo is jumping up & down on the sofa!

#1938

Oh! Guess what!!!

Date: 02/03/2002
From: Carmelita9000

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today I was in Carl's Jr, and guess who I saw!!! It was my husband!!! Er… no… My fake husband-- er… Leene's husband… no…

I SAW ELVIS!!!11!!!1!!111!!!

Or a reasonable facsimile thereof…

Anyway, he was there. And he had the hair, and the sideburns, and a pair of crappy silver 70's sunglasses and everything! And he was wearing a leather jacket with a picture of a ghost being all ghosty on the back and some lettering that said "Ghost of Elvis." It was really hard not to stare.

Lita
Queen Bitch
President of the I Hate Riddler Club
Vice Prez of the I Hate Hamburglar Club
Vice Prez of the Draco Malfoy Fan Club
Winner of the Coveted Forrester Cup
never knew that Elvis ate at CJ's

#1939

Of course he does!!!

Date: 02/04/2002
From: PharaohMobius

<<<Blue Suede Mode>>>

He loves their food so much, he bought the company!!!

TmPM
+8]=)
S!

#1940

What *is* a Carl's Jr.?

Date: 02/05/2002
From: wurwolf

And should it be Carl Jr.'s? I've heard of it but have never eaten there. Are they a west coast thing?

wurwolf
Bonhead #3
fs!!

#1941

A Carl's Jr. is...

Date: 02/05/2002
From: PharaohMobius

<<<Wouldn't YOU like to know? >=)>>>

...the same thing as a Hardee's. The same owner owns both chains, and one is nearly indistinguishable from the other, anymore. Except, of course, for the huge sign on top. =)

PM

#1942

You don't know???

Date: 02/05/2002
From: Carmelita9000

????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Come on! You know! "If it doesn't get all over the place, it doesn't belong in your face!" No? All right. CJ's is pretty much McDonalds and Burger King and Jack in the Box... only it's called Carls Jr. And I don't know where the apostrophe does or doesn't go.

I can relate to your problem, though. I've never even seen a White Castles... or whatever it's called. So I rarely get into the jokes people make about them.

Lita

#1943

I've never heard of Carl Jr's either.

Date: 02/05/2002
From: A_Judas_Rimmer

Wurwolf and I are both east coasters so that's probably why.

I've heard of White Castle and I think I've seen one once but I've never eaten at one.

PM, what state are you in?

#1944

<More RP stuff...>

Date: 02/05/2002
From: Carmelita9000

............................................................

<Our party is making its way through the cathedral, opening secret passages, and killing baddies. PM is still complaining that it's too easy. Geez, what a grouch!>

PM: I'm just saying, where's the challenge?

Rimmer: Yes. We know. Will you just shut up about it?

PM: There's no poin in even playing! It's too easy!

Tork: The extra endings are kind of nice--

PM: PLEH on the extra endings!!!

Rimmer: I SAID SHUT UP! I AM SO VERY SICK OF THIS CONVERSATION!!!

<There is a long silence.>

PM: <quietly> Geez, I was just saying--

<Rimmi glares at him>

PM: Hey! Look over there! It's a door we haven't tried!

Rimmer: I thought I told you--

Mickey: No! *croak* He's right! We haven't been through that door!

Rimmer: *sigh* Fine. Let's check it out.

<The party heads into the next room, and are a bit surprised to see Evil Mike and grandmapa standing there with Queen Leene, Chancelor Sunday (a distant ancestor of Sunday XII from Lita's and Rimmi's and PM's era), and a palace guard.>

Rimmer: Wow! Evil Mike and gramps! You found Queen Leene all by yourselves, did you?

EM: <Speaking a bit more stiffly than usual, almost like he's reciting.> Yes. We found Leene. We are so cool.

gramps: <Trying really hard not to sound like a zombie, but not succeeding> She's very nice. The chancellor is very nice. This cathedral is very nice. <Slowly, and with a lot of effort, almost as if he's never done it before, gramps pulls his lips into a smile. There are a lot of teeth in that smile.>

Rimmer: Okay… Well… I guess let's go then.

Leene: <She sounds a bit creepy.> No. I like it here. I never want to leave.

Rimmer: What's going on here?

PM: Something's really wrong with them.

Mickey: Maybe they've been *croak* hypnotized.

Soldier: Oh, don't you wish!!!

<Suddenly, Leene, Evil Mike, gramps, and the soldier all shed their skin! They're monsters underneath! And they all jump on Rimmi!>

Rimmer: Aaaah! Why is it always me they go after??

One of the monsters: <pausing in his attempt to maul Rimmi> Why not?

Rimmer: <to the rest of the party> Uh… Little help, guys?

The others: Oh! Right! <They start fumbling around for their weapons. If Lita were here, they wouldn't be so unprepared.>

Rimmer: Oh, never mind! Honestly, I have to do everything for you people! MEGA BOMB!!!!

<Rimmi throws a grenade on the ground. It explodes, killing all the monsters. Amazingly enough, the explosion doesn't hurt Rimmi or the rest of the party. It's a Smart Bomb!>

Sunday: Hey! You killed them! That was a really jerky thing to do!

Rimmer: Hello? They were monsters! They were trying to kill me!

PM: Uh…. Rimmi?

Rimmer: What? I'm trying to yell at this bitch, leave me alone!

Tork: It's just I'm pretty sure she's a monster too.

Rimmer: Really? <To Chancellor Sunday> Is that true?

Sunday: I'm afraid so. Sorry.

Rimmer: Crud.

<Sunday metamorphosizes into Yakra. She spews a few threats, and then a brief fight follows. Of course our party wins.>

PM: That was just way too easy.

Tork: You think it's a trap?

PM: No, it was just too easy! It's not a real fight unless one of us comes away with a massive head injury!

Rimmer: Ok, that's enough--

PM: I mean, I feel so dirty! This wasn't a fair fight!

Everybody Else: Oh, Shut up!!!

Rimmi: You're a villain kind of guy anyway. You should like having an unfair advantage.

PM: Hmph. Poin taken.

Tork: There's a couple of chests over there. Should we open them?

Rimmer: Why not?

<Rimmi opens the first chest. Much to her surprise, Evil Mike and grandmapa leap out>

gramps: Wow! It feels so *good* to be out of there! You have no idea how hard it is on my old back to be cramped up like that!

EM: Oh, shut up you stupid old gimp. You hogged the whole chest!

gramps: Well you smell bad!

EM: You're one to talk! You smell like salve!

<Evil Mike and gramps continue to bicker. Everybody else attempts to ignore the shoving match that is breaking out behind them.>

Rimmer: Ok, so we found the two of them. Where's Leene?

Mickey: Why don't you *croak* try that other chest?

PM: Naw. It's just the real Chancellor Sunday in that one.

Rimmer: Oh. We can't leave without Leene.

Leene: <from behind some curtains where she was hiding> I'm over here!

<She runs out to greet our party. She really does look a lot like Lita.>

gramps: Are you a *croak* Lita clone by any chance?

Leene: What's a clone?

PM: Speaking of Lita, she should be all back to normal now that we've saved Leene. Let's go see.

<The argument between Evil Mike and gramps has gotten out of hand. Evil Mike pushes gramps into Rimmi causing her to stumble. She poins her gun at the two of them.>

Rimmer: All right. You two are going to stop that now.

EM & gramps: <Looking at the floor> Yes, Ass.

Rimmer: DON'T CALL ME ASS!11!!1111!!!!1!

***

<Lita is sitting in Leene's chamber by herself, the King having wandered down to the kitchen for a fried peanut butter and banana sandwich. She looks up sadly as the rest of the party comes in. They've left Leene in the throne room, but other than that they're all there.>

Lita: Oh. You're back. Not that it does me any good. *sniff* Since none of you can see me!!!

EM: Lita, are you drunk? Of course we can see you.

Lita: You can???

EM: Yes.

Lita: YIPPEE!!!!! <She runs to give Evil Mike a big hug and a kiss> Hey! Check out what I did while you guys were gone!!!

<Lita puts on her Bitch Crown. It's shiny. Really shiny. Most of the party has to shade their eyes.>

Tork: Wow, Lita! That's a pretty good job of polishing you did there.

Mickey: Yeah! *ribbit* It's blinding!

gramps: Can't see a durned thing.

Rimmer: Lita, do you think you could put your crown away now! (Gah! That's bright!)

Lita: Oh! Sure! <She puts the crown wherever she puts it when she puts it away.> Oh! I knew you guys would save me! I knew you would because I'm all your guys's bestest friend and you all love me! Huh?

<There is a very long silence. Lita's persistent though, her big smile refuses to falter.>

Lita: <A little more forcefully> Huh?

EM: Uh. Sure, Babe. That's it.

Lita: Really?

<Evil Mike nudges a couple of the others who all cough and mumble in agreement.>

Lita: Yay! I love you guys!!! <She pulls them all into a great big group hug.>

Lita
Queen Bitch
President of the I Hate Riddler Club
Vice Prez of the I Hate Hamburglar Club
Vice Prez of the Draco Malfoy Fan Club
Winner of the Coveted Forrester Cup
is *really* happy to have her body back.

#1945

{Still jumping up & down on the sofa.}

Date: 02/05/2002
From: Bobo67

I need a tick bath!

#1946

Yup. I invented pants.

Date: 02/05/2002
From: MickeyTheGardener

Hey everyone! An old man is talking!

Back before we had pants, people would cover their legs with maple syrup. There were a lot more animal attacks those days. Ever see a man get eaten whole by a raccoon? I did. It wasn't pretty.

Now in those days, raccoons were called cows, and cows were called fsdalksghjklrhgs. The cows hated the fsdalksghjklrhgs, but that's another story.

Now the president back then was John Pants. He was tired of the cows. So he says, Punch them all in the eyes. How do you think they got those black eyes? Oh sure, tons of animal rights groups complained. But it's better this way.

Now John Pants...he was a man's man. 8'7", 2678 pounds (all muscle), and he carried a big teddy bear. But he was tired of getting his legs cold. So he asked me, he says, Mickey, he asked, invent me some pants! That's what he asked, I swear.

So I said, yeah. What the hell are pants? He said, I don't know, just invent them. And I said, okay. Never turn down the request of 2678 pound man.

I toiled away in my workshop one night, and then I saw it. My saw. Now in those days, saws were called funny cutty things that aren't scissors or knives. I took my saw, and I says, I'm gonna invent me some pants.

So there I was, my invention complete, and I give them to the President and he says WOW, all I wanted was something to cover my ass with!

And that's how I invented pants. Any questions?

(Everybody raises their hands)

Good. Next week, I'll tell you how I invented quotation marks.

Mickey T. Gardener
Bboard Nice Guy
Friend to All
Post Narc x2
What do you think, sirs?

#1947

Wow, Mickey.

Date: 02/05/2002
From: Carmelita9000

............................................................

You been hitting the SOUP again? :oD

Lita
Queen Bitch
President of the I Hate Riddler Club
Vice Prez of the I Hate Hamburglar Club
Vice Prez of the Draco Malfoy Fan Club
Winner of the Coveted Forrester Cup
cute story.

#1948

It's all true.

Date: 02/05/2002
From: MickeyTheGardener

Every single word of it.

Seriously.

MTG, etc.

#1949

To answer your question, Rimmi:

Date: 02/06/2002
From: PharaohMobius

<<<Answering Mode>>>

I'm from Illinois, specifically from the metro St. Louis area (yes, I know St. Louis is in Missouri). We have Hardee's (aka Carl's Jrs) around here, as well as White Castles. Lita, you haven't missed much by not having one. They don't taste bad (greasy, but lots of grilled onions!), but they can be hard on the stomach!

TmPM
Posture King +8]=)
VP of the Mr. T Fan Club
Steam-grilled Sarcophagus!

#1950

Where are we?

Date: 02/07/2002
From: A_Judas_Rimmer

Are we out of Chrono Trigger yet? I don't know where to take this story.

And I like the Werewolf song on MST3K.

#1951

In the (CT) home stretch now...

Date: 02/07/2002
From: PharaohMobius

<<<SNES Mode>>>

[Some time after Lita's last post, the crew has crammed themselves (yes, all of them) into Spidey. Or, more accureately, all but two of them are crammed into the back seat (because of "Lita's Spider-car, So Lita's Rules"). Spidey's zipping through the time-stream, headed back for the End of Time, when Lita chooses to show Evil Mike just how happy she is to have her body back...]

[Rimmi] Oh, come on! Can't you even wait 'til we stop sometime and get yourselves a friggin' room?

[Lita] Mmmmmmph mphh mmmmph mphh! (loosely translated: "NO!")

[Wurwolf puts her hands on Mickey's chair as if she were covering its eyes.]

[Mickey] Oh! *croak* I coulda gone a whole *ribbit* lifetime without seeing *croak* that!

[Evil Mike] Mmmmmph! Mmmph mmmph mmph-mmmph mmmmph mmmmmmmmmph! (loosely translated: "Keep talking like that if you want to *really* croak, buddy!")

[PM] Shouldn't *one* of you be watching the... errr... road, anyway?

[manosgirl] Yes! As queen of Zeal, I order you to stop!

[Gramps] Awww, ssshave yer bhhreath, missshy! They don't wanna pay you any mind, anyhaaaooww!

[Somehow, in a process that will go undescribed, either Lita's or Evil Mike's knee knocks the time control. But you'll have to decide for yourself whose knee it was. Anyway, this causes Spidey to lurch to and fro, and the timestream to start flashing from purple to red to blue and back again.]

[Schmoe] Hmmmph! You're Clumsy McButterfingersington!

[Rimmi] Ack!!!! What does the guage read now?!?

[Gramps] Ssheven... no, wait, Nineteen sshomething. Durn thing won't sshtay sshtill! Keepssh dansschin' aroaoound with that otheher doohickey!

[Tork] 1999?!?!? Awww sh--

[Mickey] What's *ribbit* wrong? Does that *croak* mean we have to *ribbit* listen to Prince?

[PM] Worse. It means that we're going to the Time of Lavos, and that Spidey is going to crash!!!

[Lita] MMMMMPPPHHHMMMMPHHHMMMPHH!!!! (loosely translated: "The hell he is!!!!!") [Lita disengages herself from Evil Mike.] Hold that thought. I've gotta save Spidey!!!

[Lita manages to get dressed and pull Spidey out of his nosedive, and bring him in for a graceful landing. After a moment, the cavern floor Spidey lands on gives way and he falls, passengers and all, into a cavern below.]

[Lita] Dammit!!!!

[Evil Mike] Great landing! Now, back to sex?

[Lita] We can't right now, Evil Mike! We have to kill Lavos first.

[Evil Mike] Could we maybe kill Lavos with sex?

[Tork] Maybe *you'd* like to boink that thing, but you can leave me out of it!

[Evil Mike pauses in pulling his clothes back on to hit tork with his shoe.] I *meant* sex with Lita, nimrod!

[Tork] Oh no, I couldn't do that. Not unless she's willing to give our first born up to gypsies.

[Lita hits Tork this time.] He meant *him* with me!!! [Gives EM a frosty look.] And no, that doesn't mean I want to now! [EM is visibly disappointed.]

[Soon, everyone is more or less ready for the final showdown, and the group walks through the cavern and into a chamber full of high-tech machinery. Standing in the center of the chamber is a huge mutant robot thing with the face of Bonnie Hammer.]

[All of the group simultaneously.] LAVOS!!!

[Lavos] Ah, yes. I'm glad you could all make it. Glad because now I can finish all of you pathetic MSTies once and for all!!!!!!1!1!!!!1!!!

[Wurwolf] Umm, you know we're not the only MST3K fans, right?

[manosgirl] Yeah! We're not even the only ones on the Duh board!

[Lavos] That doesn't matter! Don't you see that I have to wipe you out? You represent a threat to my master plan! Do you want to hear about it?

[Mickey] *ribbit* No.

[Lavos] THAT WAS A RHETORICAL QUESTION!!!!! Anyway, that sort of response is exactly why your pathetic show had to be cancelled! You see, I have a dream. A dream to create the ultimate ratings-getting television program... [Lavos gestures behind her(?) to the machinery, which has numerous large TV screens. The screens have typical TV drivel on them: Full House, Perfect Strangers, Family Matters, WWF Smackdown, LEXX, and others far too horrible to even mention.] I have collected samples of every TV show known to man. Using this information, I was going to create the *ultimate* show, one that EVERYONE would watch and love! But then, MST3K came to be. A show that worked on the principle of making fun of everything mediocre, mocking all things insipid! That show tainted my entire sample, quickly self-destructing through picking apart its own inadequacies. That show had to go!

[Gramps] BO-RING!!!!!

[Lavos] That's it! Now you die!!!!

[PM] Wait a minute! Before you even begin your attack, I want you to consider something.

[Lavos] Oh yeah? What's that?

[PM] We're currently playing on New Game +. That means, we have already gone through the entire game.

[Lavos] And your point?

[PM] The POIN is, we've already defeated you.

[Lavos] What?!? Ridiculous!

[Lita, picking up on PM's line of logic] He's right! You've already lost, so we don't have to fight you!

[Rimmi] Yeah! You don't even exist right now, I'll bet!

[Lavos] Now hold on here...

[Gramps] Youhr're nothing morrre than a sshcurvy little sshpider!!!!

[Rimmi, whispering] Shut up! You're ruining it!

[Tork] Get lost! You're not real!!!

[Mickey] I don't *ribbit* even GET this *croak* game, and I knew that!!!

[Lavos looks back and forth frantically, then seizes up.] Oh sh-- [Lavos disappears in a poof of logic.]

[The crew walks back to Spidey and gets in. As Lita's ready to drive off, she notices a setting on the time dial she hadn't seen before: "RL". With a shrug, she sets the dial for that, and Spidey streaks through the timestream. This time, the timestream looks suspiciously like a series of numbered doors, counting up. When Spidey exits the fifth door, he emerges...]

[...into the common room of MSTBlanca, destroying a number of booths. Spidey demolishes the DJ booth as he sits down to let everyone out. As everyone emerges, they note that they no longer look like Chrono Trigger characters, but rather they look like they usually do.]

[Nick] It worked!!!

[Nabut] Of course it worked! You finally got someone competent to hack that Chrono Trigger ROM!

[Sam] Nabut, ol' buddy. You're not going to tell them why they just went through what they did, are you?

[Nabut] You bet your ass I am! *I'm* not taking the heat for this!!!

[Sam] You big jerk!

[A fistfight breaks out between Sam and Nabut!]

[And seconds later, Sam's sprawled out on the floor, unconscous.]

[Nabut, muttering to himself.] Lousy, stinkin' mellow...

The mad Pharaoh Mobius
There! It's finally over!
Now the RP can get back to...
whatever the hell we were doing before Chrono Trigger.
Sarcophagus!

#1952

Did I actually say that to Lita?

Date: 02/07/2002
From: Tork_110

Oh dear. Oh dear. Oh dear oh dear oh dear!

Lita, I'm sorry! I really didn't mean it. It was a glitch in my programming. I would never had said that as a person. Did I mention that I'm sorry?

You know, it must be Rimmi's/Lucca's fault. Yeah, she's the one who fixed me! I was an innocent robot who only did what I was programmed to do.

Do you buy that?

Tork_110
02/01/00 - 02/07/02
RIP
He came, he saw, he poined and laughed.

#1953

Tork!!!

Date: 02/07/2002
From: Carmelita9000

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You would actually sell my baby to gypsies??? I thought I knew you!!!

<Lita pushes Tork and he falls down.>

*****

<Back in the RP. Everybody's standing around at MSTBlanca.>

Nabut: I'm so glad you're back, my Liege! I've got to tell you about--

<Lita42, thinking Nabut is about to tell everybody about her takeover attempt, hits him with a clown hammer, knocking him out.>

Nabut: *THUD!!*

Lita9000: Wow. That was violent.

Lita42: Er… he had a fly on his head?

Lita
Queen Bitch
President of the I Hate Riddler Club
Vice Prez of the I Hate Hamburglar Club
Vice Prez of the Draco Malfoy Fan Club
Winner of the Coveted Forrester Cup

Next up: GROPE throws a party, and PM isn't invited

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